u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.