I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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