I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
