So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.