wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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