did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
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FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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