I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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