I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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