Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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