Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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