I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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