if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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