Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
