I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
