You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
