i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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