I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
