I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?