I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
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you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
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I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.