She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I don't think brook has ever known best
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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