i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
