i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
