The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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