guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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