Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
