I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
