I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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