Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
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I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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