Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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