Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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