What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
