Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
