dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
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I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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