so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
