Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
