Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
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You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize