pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
