Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
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She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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