im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
