god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
