i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
