When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
