I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
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All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
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Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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