dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
