Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize