totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
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My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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