i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
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Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
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I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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