am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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