I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
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I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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