i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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