Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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